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Al-Qaeda Announces Wider Jihad

AMMAN, Jordan -- An unnamed spokesman for Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of capture, torture, and execution, announced today via wireless internet connection from a secret cave somewhere outside Amman Jordan, that Al-Qaeda is now widening its Jihad, or "holy-war". The first evidence of that widening apparently came with the bombing of three hotels here in Amman yesterday.

The spokesman, who identified himself only as Abu Screeman-Deen Al-Zarcoward, made an impassioned statement saying, "First we're gonna bomb 'em in Jordan. Then we're gonna bomb 'em in Kuwait. Then we're gonna bomb 'em in Saudi Arabia. Then we're gonna go to Britain, and Germany, and France, and Switzerland, and Austria, and Poland. Then we're gonna take this campaign right to the White House in Washington, D.C..... YEEEAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!"

Terrell Owens joins "Secret" Club

Recently suspended by the Philidelphia Eagles, T.O. (Terrell Owens), has joined a super-dooper secret club known as, "Why can't people see how great I am?" The club was going to be called, "I don't get no respect!", but they decided against it after contact with an attorney for the Rodney Dangerfield estate.

R.A.M. news asked Owens what he thought about the Eagles suspending him. Owens responded, "Those management people keep saying that there ain't no 'I' in team. Hey, I can spell. I looked at that word over and over and there ain't no 'WE' in team either!"

"The 4 games 'I' lost this year, I wasn't really tryin', that's why those other guys lost! As long as I have my agent telling how great I am I don't need anybody but my new club and him!"

The club has only two other members besides Owens, Jeff George, and Dennis (Worm) Rodman. There would be more members but, no hollywood celebrities or Democrat politicians are allowed.

French Request U.S. Aid

PARIS, France, November 4, 2005 -- According to top White House officials, who wish to remain anonymous about leaking classified information, Jacques Chirac and Dominique de Villepin (who is a man), contacted President Bush today and requested U.S. assistance to quell the rioting that started in Paris eight days ago and has now begun spreading to other parts of France. The French military was brought in to quell the violence, but they immediately surrendered to the rioters.

Although Bush would love the opportunity to show the French how it's done, according to one unnamed leaker Karl Rove has advised the President to go slow and take a wait-and-see attitude. Our sources suggest that Rove does not feel this is the appropriate time to send troops into another Islamic country.

Democratic insiders are delighted at the prospect of another "quagmire" for the Administration. "If we go in now", said a DNC strategist, "it could be years before we get out of France. Bush has no exit strategy. 2008 is looking better all the time!"

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